Back to Blog

Not asking for what you need . . .

Jan 07, 2017


Many of us don’t ask for what we need.  Instead, we hope that the person or people around us will somehow know.

 Hoping and waiting for people to respond to our unsaid need is a wonderful way not to get it.

 Some of us think that it would be a sign of weakness or selfishness to ask for what we need.  Sometimes we’re afraid it will be offensive.  But Dr. Mark Goulston in his book, Get Out Of Your Own Way, says it is none of these things, as long as what you’re asking for is “fair, reasonable and deserved.”

 This self-defeating behaviour of not asking for what we need is caused by the pressure we have created to keep quiet.

 Dr. Goulston says that you “don’t have to ask for what you need as long as you don’t mind not getting it.”

 Asking might be the only way you’re going to get it.

 Here’s what to do to ask for what you need:

  •  Acknowledge that you have needs.  Everyone has them and you won’t be able to keep them down forever.
  •  Decide whether you can live without the need being met.  Some needs are worth rocking the status quo for.  If doing without the need causes you to fantasize about having it, then the need might be too important to you to ignore.
  •  Acknowledge that few people can read minds.  If you don’t ask for what you need, it’s likely that the other person won’t know you need it. 
  • When you decide to ask, don’t demand, criticize, or complain. 
  • When you ask for what it is you need, state it as a fact.  Talk about how you’d like to have it from now on and don’t dwell on the fact that you haven’t got it in the past. 
  • If you can, give the person the choice of saying yes or no.  Try not to insist on them giving it to you. 
  • Timing can be crucial.  Don’t ask for what you want in a highly charged situation.  Instead, take the opportunity to ask when things are calm and emotions are not high. 
  • Take action! 

Live Your Life.  Make Your Difference.

Until next time . . .

Fear of failure is something that many of us experience. To learn how to let it go, get my Cheat Sheet here.

Each person's experience in life and at work is different, I'd love to hear about yours. Please leave me a comment below!



Don't miss a beat!

New moves, motivation, and classes delivered to your inbox. 

We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.